I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
