maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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