Buhtt sex?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
