I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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