70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
