Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
