I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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