My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just found puke in my bra..
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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