I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
