Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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