Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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