I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
