Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
