are you still at the devil's house?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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