textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
