I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
