So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
