i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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