I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I understand Curling. That high.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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