I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
