I just made out with a guy for $7.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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