if you like me you must not know who I am
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
