I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
