Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i now understand why vodka
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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