I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
