My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
