He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
