i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
