just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
