you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
