Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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