We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
