I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
