Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
