My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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