Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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