Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
