I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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