remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize