I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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