bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
