Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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