I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
