God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
