3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Randomize
