Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
