yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
