He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
