Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
