Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
