just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
