if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
