So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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