she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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