FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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