I wish I could teleport
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
