bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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