Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
