dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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