dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
