Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
