I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
