You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
