My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
